My Shepherd...

"Save your people and bless your inheritance;
be their shepherd and carry them forever." -Psalm 28:9

It is such hard work to shepherd a young child... to constantly watch over him, protect him, carry him, nourish him... and yet that is my task with Caleb. He is a precious treasure I am called to guard and I do not take that responsibility lightly. And while I love being his mama, it does become draining at times.

So as I rock Caleb in the middle of the night, feeding him for the third time, I wonder in the stillness- who will carry me? Who will nourish me? And He comes... like the Faithful and Strong Shepherd He has always been... and gently lifts my head. He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me- and He has called Himself my Shepherd. I can lean on Him, and He will carry me. Praise His name forever!

Going back to work...

Caleb is now 7 weeks old, and a whopping 13 lbs! He has doubled his weight since birth! We are obviously thriving in our breastfeeding relationship! He is so curious and alert these days- his eyes constantly roving around the room for a new object or shadow to take in! He is holding his head up so strongly and is discovering he can get his fingers into his mouth. It was so funny the other day to see his eyes light up when we touched his ears and he realized he had them! There are so many things that I will probably miss when I go back to work- but gratefully, Josh will be there to see it all! We are so blessed that our situation allows one of us to be with Caleb at all times! It is my desire to be a stay at home mom some day... but financially that isn't possible right now. That caused quite a bit of sadness and resentment earlier this week as I geared up to go back to work on Jan 23... but then we had our Prayer and Praise night at church this past Wed.

Often I help Josh plan the service and line up songs, but this week he was just inspired and laid out the entire set on his own. By the time the service was over I knew why God had led him, and why I had no input! Each song of the second set was chosen just for me- spoke directly to my heart. It was such a sweet time of communion and challenge with my Lord. In the middle of the service we split up into small prayer groups- and then we were directed to spend time in silence listening for what God wanted to say to us individually. In prayer, God reminded me of a lesson He taught me during my year in Uganda... "Jesu amala" Jesus is enough! He reassured me that since He has called me back to work- He will be sufficient. And every time I grew bitter that I had to go back to work- I was basically telling Him that I hated His will and that my plan was better! How prideful of me! So when Josh started the song "I surrender" I was immediately put in my place by the lyrics:

"I'm giving You my heart and all that is within
I lay it all down, for the sake of You my King
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

And I surrender
All to You, all to You

And I surrender
All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You, for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

And I surrender
All to You, all to You

And I surrender
All to You, all to You"

I am just so convinced that I am going back to work in order for Him to display His glory in my inadequacy, His strength in my weakness. If I can ever possibly be the mom, and wife, and director at TLC that He wants me to be... it will be all His doing. I can't do it on my own... He must be sufficient. There is no alternative. And so I look expectantly toward going back to work- I can't wait to see how He shows up- I am excited to see Him fight valiantly on my behalf- I long for Him to provide all that is needed. I've got nothing. But I am His.

Caleb Update

We took him to the Dr's last week and he has gained more weight!! He is now 10lbs 8oz! We must be doing something right! He has become much more alert these days, and is holding his head up so well. I think we even saw a real smile! When I enter the room, he looks all around until he finds me- and just gazes at me with such sweet eyes. I am in love with my little boy!

There are so many things I never want to forget... His tiny o shaped mouth. perfect ears. working so hard to swallow. his baby smell. his round squishy cheeks. the perfect softness against my lips when I kiss his head. the way he is sometimes only comforted by me, his mama. feeling the rise and fall of his chest as he sleeps on me. his alert blue eyes full of wonder, taking it all in. his squirms and wiggles on the changing table. changing him quickly so I don't get squirted on. the look of his big round tummy. his first smile while we "exercised". how peaceful he looks while he sleeps. how cute Caleb and Daddy are when they play... or when they sleep. how fascinated he is by a simple light.

I am so grateful for these days!

My Resolution

After reading the book: The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan, my resolution this year is to remember the Sabbath and keep it holy, not only in time, but in my heart. To be fully present in every moment, not hurrying through life in a blur. Time goes too quickly- I don't want to wish away Caleb's growing up years. I want to savor each moment- to cherish every memory making minute. Buchanan writes: "Busyness kills the heart."

And like Buchanan, "I want to learn to pass through a day without passing it by."

This summer we took a vacation, that was truly a week of Sabbath rest- it was pure refreshment (as these two photos show). And I am learning that as I head back to work, and things pile back into my life after maternity leave- I must carve out Sabbath time or else my soul will shrivel up and die. I don't want that to be the case! And so this year I will take steps to remember the Sabbath and keep it holy!