Joy in the moment...

This is what life is all about... getting loved on (literally) by my sweet baby boy...and being 100% present where God has me. He is the One I must focus on... and He is the only One who can carry me through! I am sitting here drinking apple cider, had a great morning watching a movie with Josh while Caleb took a monster nap. And yeah, I am so blessed by this lazy Saturday- praising Him for His goodness in knowing what I can handle and how to renew me.

At wits' end...

“They reel to and fro… and are at their wits’ end. Then they cry out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brings them out of their distresses. He calms the storm, so that it’s waves are still. Then they are glad because they are quiet; so He guides them to their desired haven. Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness!” –Psalm 107:27-31

True Confessions. I am not good at being weak and needy. I am much more comfortable playing the strong and “put together” role in life. But I’ve done that in my own strength for so long it’s catching up with me. The superwoman I pretend to be is dead; I think I should have a funeral for her! Anyway, this weekend I reached my wits’ end… sunk to an all-time low. Anytime Josh would ask me how I was doing I would tear up. And I couldn’t even get excited about the cute things Caleb was doing. And I didn’t know what to do with the sadness of soul and bone weariness I have been accumulating. So Monday came, and I didn’t know if I could even come to work. I forced myself, but left work early to have a good cry and take a nap. I needed to figure out my life and why I’m so stressed. I don’t need to list it all here, I’m sure you can imagine all the things sucking me dry. So I am on my knees crying out to the Lord for Him to bring me out of my distresses. And this morning as I read those verses, He gave me a glimmer of hope! I’m certainly not my usual cheery self, but there is hope that I will survive today, and be glad once again. So, all that to say, if you ask me how I’m doing and I smile and say “ok” though my eyes are filling with tears…. you’ll know why. And gratefully, I am pruning some of my obligations in hopes of having more time with my family and for myself. Thanks for your prayers and your support! If anyone else is at their wits’ end- know that you can cry out to the Lord in your trouble… He has the power to calm the storms in our lives! And we can give thanks for His goodness even when we don’t feel like it!

Arise and Be Comforted

Jesus is singing this song to my weary heart. He is the lifter of my head!

Arise and be comforted
For the Lord, He is good to the weary
And even the young heart can tire and fall
But He knows them all
For the Lord, He will renew their strength
And they will soar on wings as eagles
And they will run and never grow weary
They will walk and not grow faint
For the Lord, He is good
Lift your eyes to the heavens
For the creator is living in you
Come surrender as you are

And know that you’ll never stray too far
Let His power within you heal your heart
Lift your eyes to spacious skies
Let Him chart your way to flight
Spread your wings and fly
For the Lord, He is good

Tired...

So, I know, Caleb is 10 months old. I know he "should" be sleeping through the night. Who gets to make that call? Depends on what expert you read. Ferber says "after 6 months any baby should be sleeping through the night." kellymom.com says "If your baby wants to nurse at night, it is because she DOES need this, whether it's because she is hungry or because she wants to be close to mom. "

I don't want to be an enabler. But I also don't want my baby to be hungry in the night. I don't want him to feel abandoned. But, I would like to sleep through the night once or twice in his first year of life. That would be nice. Before Caleb, I didn't know survival on such sleep deprivation was humanly possible. Now I'm a mom. I know it's just a way of life. All that to say: I'm tired. I must consciously fix my eyes on Jesus today- and let Him do my living. It won't be a pretty sight if "Kelly" spills out today. So He must be sufficient. He has to! Thank you, Jesus, for being the lifter of my head.

Baby's age	% babies waking at night
3 months	46%
6 months	39%
9 months	58%
12 months	55%

So I am not alone... but that still doesn't make it easy!

Up in the air...

Ever feel that every aspect of your life is in flux? There is nowhere I can turn where things are stable and comfortable. Everything is up in the air. I'm on the edge of a cliff... and the view is exhilarating... and scary...

I don't know what's going on at church... we are in the process of announcing our vision (again) to the leaders, and I wonder if it will even matter. Do they care where God is leading us? How are they going to step up and actually take it to the next level? Or do we as the Ministry Team have to pump all the life into the church ourselves? I know that's very proud and egotistical... but really, should 6 people be doing the majority of the planning for the church? I know it's only by the grace and power of God that Trinity is still existing- but what should we be expecting from our congregation? From our leaders? From ourselves as the Ministry Team? I don't know exactly what we're asking of the leadership... but we need some sign that they are on board with where we feel like God is leading us. Who knows what will happen after that.

Things at work are rough as usual. We're financially strained, due to low enrollment, and therefore had to cut a lot of staff hours. Obviously people aren't happy about that- I don't like that my paycheck is smaller either (but it's my choice for working 30 hours instead of 40). So anyway, lot's of people are talking. So who knows what will happen there.

I've had two dreams about Billy and Joanna Coppedge in the past month, and after the second dream, I woke up and for the first time since I came home from Uganda (Fall 2003), missing Africa outweighed the sadness of leaving family and friends. Now that is HUGE! And there have been other random "Africa" moments when I'll feel a heart-tug in that direction. Got an e-mail from Lisa Mayo the other day saying that Heritage is looking into expanding their program to a 2 year old room (the youngest they currently go is 3 years old). And ironically, or God-like, I have been researching infant-toddler programs at TLC as well this year. So my interest and knowledge base in that area has vastly increased in the past two months! And the other big need is for a Youth pastor for the MK's at Heritage and someone to help with the Youth work that is going on among the Ugandans. Little did I know, but Lisa Fish who currently works with the youth in Uganda, is on Homeland Mission Assignment... and she was speaking at Clarksboro EUM last night (about 20 min away from my house!). So I went to see her. Wow, her pictures just caused the longing in my heart to grow exponentially! So since Josh had to lead Youth Group that night, she is coming to our house to meet him this Wednesday for lunch. So who knows what will happen there!

I feel like a butterfly with all the change brewing in the air... but when do I get to curl up in a cocoon for a few weeks? Ugh, just typing about all this exhausts me! But I know God will be faithful to open and close doors as He sees fit. I'm clinging tightly to His hand as we journey forward.

A very prophetic picture of a sweet moment in a corn maze just the other day!