It's Winter Here

Winter in New Jersey: 2013

There is a chill in the air. I light a candle and pour a cup of tea. It's quiet here {this very minute. I'm sure the baby will cry any minute}.

I've always felt that the season of life with infants is similar to winter. I gave birth to my first born on November 30, the cusp of winter in New Jersey. And enjoyed my maternity leave cozied up with my first baby. My second was born in June, and was an entirely different experience {a story for another day. let me just say that I am grateful we were not cooped up for months on end with him}. And then my third was born in December in the states during our Homeland Ministry Assignment. In July I had Rebekah here in Uganda- the land of eternal summer- and it still feels like winter around here. Don't get me wrong, I love babies. And I will be the first to admit I hate winter {Thank You, Lord, for sending me to tropical Uganda}. So the metaphor isn't perfect, but bear with me.

Winter is a particularly intense season. Harsh temperatures, violent storms, immensely happy holidays... not all bad things, just intense. Seasonal depression is a real thing- so is postpartum depression. Some days are just long, and hard, and threaten to suck the life out of you. Oh, and the getting ready to leave the house. Don't even get me started. All you want to do is stay inside and snuggle.

Shaker Village: 2013

You must be prepared for winter. You stock up on survival items. You cook warm, nourishing foods. You celebrate with family. You lean in to your home life. You always have a warm mug of something in your hands. It is a simple season, where you focus on the things that really matter.

And even in nature things lie dormant, keeping the most minimal energies flowing. Trees do not produce fruit in the winter. And so I give myself grace. I lean in to the beauties of this season and I do not demand much fruit from my days. I feast on the stores I laid up in the years before this baby. And I trust that spring will come again, as it always does.

Are you in a place where it's winter? Read this.
I'm linking up at The Grove on the word: metaphor

How else is life with a baby like winter? Leave it in the comments!

My Spiritual Act of Worship...

Dear Mama of a newborn, these are hard, exhausting days.  I'm right there with you!  I know they say you will miss it {and we will someday} and they say it's only a season {and it is}... but it's still hard and lovely... but hard!  

This is a season of intense sacrifice.  We sacrifice sleep {severe understatement}. We go through the day with the use of only one hand.  We go days without a shower, meanwhile wearing clothes with someone else's spit on them.  We eat hurriedly while baby sleeps.  We literally have the life sucked out of us. We don't have the luxury of alone time, or even the ability to think two consecutive thoughts.  And like I said the other day, we have a choice: it can make us bitter or beautiful.  Motherhood is the most sanctifying thing I have ever done. 

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship...We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us....if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully... Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. -Romans 12

There is something beautifully practical in these verses for the new mama- a mama who is constantly offering her body for the life and nourishment of a newborn... this sacrificial love can be worship.  It can be, but it isn't always.  

There are nights I am painfully woken 6 times, and with a grumbling spirit I reach for my sweet babe... this is not worship.  This is drudgery! And it isn't pretty.

But there are other nights, {thankfully} where I get up graciously, feed Elizabeth once again and breathe "for You" as I serve my family in this way.  This. is. worship.  If my gift in these days is works of mercy... He calls me to do it cheerfully.  It isn't always easy.  But love and sacrifice rarely are.  He is worth it.  

So weary mama, don't just get through your days by sheer determination and caffeine- look to Him, offer your body as a living sacrifice and feel the joy of your Father!  He will carry you in these days, and your offering to Him will be sweet!
 

My Feet are Tied...

here. these are slow days. my feet are tied.  but these small ones are my chief responsibility right now.  and my chief avenue of sanctification.

"My lord knows that the children are weak... please let my lord go on ahead before his servant. I will lead on slowly at a pace which the children are able to endure..." -Genesis 33:13-14

Jacob was talking with Esau, and he knew the limitations of his large family... he didn't want to drive his young ones harder than they could endure.  How are we, as a culture, doing at this?  I know I am convicted of trying to do too much at times.  But I must lead on slowly.  No running for me!

It feels like losing. this foot-tying.  this voluntary limitation.  These days are full of a thousand opportunities to die to self.  I can die gracefully, or resentfully.  I can let these tiny deaths make me bitter or beautiful.  And so I say, "Yes, Lord. Use these children of mine to apply the knife of the cross to all of my old self- anywhere You can see it, in all the places where I do not know it..."

living slow

there is something so sweet and freeing about life with a new baby.  like this lovely limitation, that causes me to focus on essentials..  i didn't feel this way yesterday, the limitations almost suffocated me.  and although my one word this year is "here"... here is the last place in the world i wanted to be.

thankfully, i can proudly say we all made it through that cranky, sick day dressed, fed and alive.

today is a new day and i am seeing with fresh perspective.  it all started last night, when sweet Elizabeth finally pooped, and then gave me two brilliant smiles. the real ones, where she locks eyes with me, and then flashes startling beauty.  almost as if she was saying, "sorry for all the grief today. thanks for sticking it out and not completely losing it." 

we were all scheduled to speak at a new church about our mission to Uganda, and at the last minute Seth got sick and I had to stay home with all the kids while Josh went to church.  and last night, after the long, trying day, Elizabeth smiled and Jesus brought to mind a lesson He is teaching me again:

children tie a mother's feet.  more on that tomorrow. 

but for today, I am thankful for all the sweet things that Jesus gives in this newborn season:

• crinkly nose, figuring out how to smile
• blueberry eyes and rose bud lips
• that sweet scent of clean baby fresh from the bath
• warm and wet, wrapped in a hooded-towel
• squeaky breaths
• utter exhaustion/dependence on Jesus
• sense of victory when she burps
• forced stillness while I nurse her
• her simplicity of needs- love, food, cleanliness, sleep.
• time for prayer
• staying close to home this winter
• an excuse to nap with a warm, cuddly baby
• how she just needs me sometimes
• tiny fingers wrapped around mine
• soft, wild hair
• sweet baby coos
• coffee
• super husband
• Your nearness
• Your word, in snatches, on my phone

the one where I just show up

i haven't gotten enough sleep in a month. all sweet Elizabeth wants is to be held {while she sleeps}. i have a newsletter to write. i need a shower.  the boys should be doing school work.  these are not ideal circumstances.

if i were writing this day, i would add a few more hours of sleep, a shower, and a stunt double {or in this case, a newsletter double}.  but i'm not. thankfully He is writing this day.  and He is good. 

all He asks is that i show up. and He gets Elizabeth to sleep peacefully, albeit in my arms. and He inspires the newsletter. and He gets my boys to entertain themselves. and He. and He. and He.  are we sensing a theme yet? i can't wait until things are perfect before i try and get things done. i just have to start. and if i get interrupted i can start again later. because, really, these interruptions are my work.

And as this post quotes in such a timely manner:

This is my work; my blessing, not my doom;

Of all who live, I am the one by whom

This work can best be done in the right way

these days are sweet and they are hard.  but He is good. and i have an amazing husband.  and our boys are relatively self-sufficient lately. so that's where i'm at these days. forgive the erratic blogging and the millions of baby pics on facebook.  it's just a season.

how do you handle interruptions in your day? what are you waiting for before you get started on that next project? where are you at these days?

listening to this on repeat. really.  i'm so blessed.  i get to be the one :)

When the Days are Long...

Some days are easier than others.  And on those long days it's even more important to hunt for His gifts.  He is always a good Giver- some days it's easier to see!  Sweet Elizabeth reached 1 month on Sunday.  It has been a joy to watch her grow these past four weeks- crazy how much they change!

when all she wants to do is be held- it's easy to focus on all I've given up to be mama to a small one again.  the long hours of productivity, the ease of getting through a day, a full nights' rest... but God wants me to focus on Himself, gaze in His eyes, and open my hands to receive His gifts:

7551.  Jesus carrying me as I hold this baby
7552.  Your Word that gives life
7553.  Joseph's words of blessing to his brothers
7554.  snacks you can eat with one hand
7555.  finally being able to put her down for a nap.
7556.  getting some work done on the newsletter
7557.  her wild woman hair
7558.  the soft spot to nestle into her neck
7559.  her tiny fingers and toes
7560.  her sweet rosebud lips
7561.  her blueberry eyes
7562.  this tiny person, handcrafted by God
7563.  here. this place I can worship You.

Five Minute Friday: Fight

stay.  here.  don't fight it.

just two weeks ago, I gave birth to a sweet girl.  and then Christmas happened.  and New Years.  and I find myself doing too much.  I'm not quite recovering as quickly as it took me to feel good. 

so here i am.  3 days into 2014, and my one word is already turning against me. 

i'm fighting it.  i know i need to stay here.  be still.  receive.  heal.  but everything in me fights the call to just sit here.  i feel fine.  but my body betrays me.  i guess i will just give thanks for the required respite- look for the grace in each moment.  and let my body do it's thing.  she made me so proud on December 19th, laboring, delivering....  she is sucked dry daily. and hasn't had a full nights' rest.  it's time to stop fighting.  she deserves a break. 

One Handed Reading List

Having a new little one who demands I sit still to hold & feed her will be a great help toward my reading goals this year!  Having a Kindle that only needs a tap, instead of a page-turn is also really helpful! 

Here is my One-handed Reading List for 2014:

Fiction:

• The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society: Schaffer and Barrows
• Till We Have Faces: C.S. Lewis
• The Signature of All Things: Gilbert
• The Art of Hearing Heartbeats: Sendker
• Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet: Ford

 Classics:

• Anna Karenina: Leo Tolstoy
• Little Women:  Louisa May Alcott
• Jane Eyre: Charlotte Bronte
• Pride and Prejudice: Jane Austen
• Anne of Green Gables Collection: L.M. Montgomery

Inspirational/Personal Growth:

• The Insanity of God: Ripken and Lewis
• Honey for a Child's Heart: Hunt
• The Ministry of Motherhood: Clarkson
• Relationships- A Mess Worth Making: Lane and Tripp
• Spiritual Survival Handbook for Cross Cultural Workers: Miller
• A Better Way- Make Disciples Wherever Life Happens: Losch
• Loving the Way Jesus Loves: Ryken
• 21 Days to a More Disciplined Life: Paine
• Walk with Me: Pilgrims Progress for Married Couples: Wald
• Answers to Prayer from George Muller's Narratives: Muller

What are you reading this year?

She is Here!

and we are so in love.  this sweet girl has captured our hearts and won't let go!  Elizabeth Anne Hallahan was born on December 19, 2013 weighing 7lbs 7oz, and measuring 21 1/4" long. we are smitten. love is in the air on December 19... as it also happens to be our wedding anniversary.

Josh's status says it all:

9 years ago today I married the love of my life. Today another girl has joined us and stolen my heart. Elizabeth Anne Hallahan has entered the world and is doing great.

Thank you for praying for us and carrying us this pregnancy, and now as we enter a new season of family life.    We're grateful.

eagerly waiting...

"For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now.  Not only that, but we also who have the first-fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body.  For we are saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees?  But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.  Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses..." -Romans 8:22-26

In our Jesse Tree reading, Sarai laughed when God told her she would bear a son in her old age.  The people of God waited decades and centuries for the fulfillment of the prophecy of the Messiah.  We are a people still waiting His return. 

I am awaiting the birth of this baby girl, who will eventually come- I am not going to miss it.  Josh and I (and many colleagues) are waiting to be released from our Homeland Ministry Assignment to return to Uganda.  I have friends who are waiting for the gift of marriage, the blessing of children, the word of a job offer... Waiting is hard!! 

When we don't immediately see the fulfillment, or when we feel like the waiting will.never.end... we are tempted to doubt His goodness.  But the waiting is for a purpose.  He is at work behind the scenes. 

I love our tradition of Advent Envelopes- it is an encouraging visual for my children to see that there are a finite amount of days until Christmas.  But God doesn't want us to remain children forever- He desires our growth and maturity.  He is wooing us to Himself in the waiting.  He knows we are weak- so He sends His Spirit to help us wait. 

And what I love is that He doesn't call us to "pretty waiting"... there is nothing lovely about groaning and laboring... He calls us to eagerly wait.  We can trust His goodness toward us.  If He has given you a word or a promise- He will bring it to pass.  He will!  I don't know what you're waiting for today, but I do know that His word says, "The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly." -Psalm 84:11

And as His waiting people we can rejoice: He is coming again- Maranatha- Come, quickly, Lord Jesus! 

Life is Advent.

"Be alert, be alert, so that you will be able to recognize your Lord in your husband, your wife, your parents, your children, your friends, your teachers, but also in all you read in the daily papers.  The Lord is coming, always coming.  When you have ears to hear and eyes to see, you will recognize Him at any moment of your life.  Life is Advent; life is recognizing the coming of the Lord." -Henri Nouwen

These are exceptional days of waiting.  Not only do we await the coming of the Christ-child, and the second coming of our Lord and King- but our family awaits the arrival of our sweet baby and the day when we will be released from our Homeland Ministry Assignment to return to Uganda.  In all the waiting it is easy to grow impatient.  When we fix our eyes only on what is to come, we miss what is already here. 

Feeling sick as I enter the final days and weeks of pregnancy has caused me to grow weary of the waiting.  Wondering how the Lord will raise up our team of champions and if there is anything more we could be doing make these days feel like we're in a holding pattern.  But He is here.  He is at work in our midst.  My body is doing what it needs to in preparation for labor and delivery.  Our prayers are being heard and our presence is being used to build our support team.  I just need to open my eyes and look for the evidence of His coming in each moment. 

And so I count all the ways I see Him coming:

7495.  crib. closet organizer. itty bitty diapers. getting ready.

7501.  big bumps and kicks and hiccups. this life within me.

7509.  early morning solitude- a limited gift.  baby is coming soon!
7510.  3 cm on December 5.
7511.  how marvelously You made a woman's body to carry and bring forth life.
7512.  how You are preparing me.

7517.  victory in Caleb's thumb-sucking habit
7518.  Seth taking good care of his sick mama
7519.  date night with my man. delicious latte. a quiet moment alone.
7520.  a fresh perspective on waiting
7521.  all the moments I'll find You coming today

Tips for Traveling while Pregnant

Sorry for the silence- we've been in and out of internet service this weekend- such is life on the road!

Back to our 31 Days on the Road series! 

As I type, we've been on the road for 4 weeks and I am 30 weeks pregnant.

Tip #1:  Get moving!  When I left my midwife told me to get out of the car and move after every 2 hours of driving to get the blood flowing and prevent blood clots.  That automatically adds at least an hour of travel to every leg of our journey! Generally, someone needs a bathroom break every two hours so that hasn't been too difficult. 

Tip #2: Snack healthy!  We usually carry cheese sticks, peanut butter crackers, grapes, and apples.  Sip on water- I know you don't want to stop for the bathroom every ten minutes, but if you sip every now and then you'll keep your body and baby healthier.

Tip #3:  Rest when you can!  If someone offers you a nap, say "yes, thank you." You aren't going to be sleeping well in a different bed every few nights.  You will be uncomfortable and have to pee often through the night as you catch up on your water intake.   On Sunday we were at lunch and our sweet hostess said there was a spare room if I needed a nap.  So I set an alarm and laid down for 30 minutes.  It was a sweet gift!  And I felt better, and didn't miss too much conversation. 

Tip #4:  Listen to your body!   We have done a few hikes, and hayrides on this road trip.  I've had a several braxton hicks contractions, and I know when I have pushed my body too far.  If you're going to be hiking- wear good shoes, take it slow, and don't keep pushing if you just need to stop and breathe. 

This is all common sense advice, but it is better to be safe than sorry.  Enjoy this season and know that traveling pregnant is way easier than traveling with baby- though I know we'll do that too!

feeling like Jacob...

after he wrestled with God.  i have been wrestling with God, begging Him to teach me how to abide... longing to stay aware of Him throughout the day...  funny how the answer to my prayer is pain.  but it does certainly feel like He wrenched my hip out of socket... it is a constant reminder these days...

i am completely aware that aches and pains come with the territory of pregnancy.  i am the first to admit i generally have amazingly easy pregnancies.  this is my one thing.  hip pain.  it has held off until now, but here at 23 weeks it feels like it is settling in to stay.  and  i am grateful. 

#7384.  a wise and caring midwife
#7385.  a strong, fast heartbeat
#7386.  this little girl growing within me
#7387.  women in my life. spiritual midwives
#7388.  a safe place to be weak
#7389.  this limp.
#7390.  a constant reminder of my weakness
#7391.  You, my strength and portion
#7392.  step.by.painful.step. awareness of Your nearness
#7393.  Your awesome presence. 
#7394.  how You are transforming me
#7395.  You making beauty from ashes

little and big

a quick, happy post. we had our 20 week ultrasound today!

so grateful today for a pink donut and the gift of a daughter.  it's the little and the big things! 

what we've been up to

been wondering what we've been up to?  we're enjoying having Daddy home.  we've been reading books.  we've been playing with our cousins.  we've been creating our school room for the fall.  we've been coloring. a lot.  we've been running outside in the glorious world.  we've been wrestling Daddy every chance we get.

we've been living life.  and it is good.  thanks for rejoicing with us over the new life we're adding to our family!  thanks for praying us through this transition.  thanks for being patient while we figure out life here in the U.S.  we'll get into a new blog rhythm soon!  stay tuned- tons of ideas floating around in my head!   

And Baby Makes Five...

Yep, it's true!  We're expecting a baby on January 4th!  We couldn't be more excited!  After Seth (who cried the first nine months of his life), I told Jesus He would have to be really clear if He ever wanted us to have more children.  And He spoke so sweetly- "And now I have told you before it comes, that when it does come to pass, you may believe." John 14:29.  He doesn't get any clearer than that!  We are grateful He spoke, and even more grateful that He is gifting us with another life to raise for Him.  

We definitely appreciate your prayers as we carry this child, continue to adjust to the U.S. and living with Josh's parents, and begin our Homeland Ministry Assignment!!  These are crazy wonderful days and we need your prayers to sustain us through the highs and lows!

37 Weeks

So today I am 37 weeks pregnant! As uncomfortable as things have been at times, I love being pregnant! God has truly blessed me with a smooth pregnancy. And with things progressing, and my body gearing up for birth- I am just getting so excited to welcome our little boy into the world!

The due date is December 7... but I am thinking he could be here a little early. Guess we'll wait and see! He will arrive when he is good and ready. Which is exactly what we want.