Time is fleeting {a life update}

The morning sun filters through the trees and illuminate the dandelion whisps. The world comes to life as bird song floats on the breeze. Our puppy has me up and out early these days (yes! we got a golden retriever puppy in january. he's 8 months old now. stay tuned, i'm sure he will get his own post). And while my quiet time isn't so solitary anymore, I am forced to be more present. 

Our family is in transition yet again, though we are grateful we don't have to move this time! Transitions always make me more reflective, so I needed to write. Also, the world is absurd right now. An election year. An assasination attempt on a former president. My firstborn spending his summer working at Delanco Camp in New Jersey. A friend calling to tell me about a scary diagnosis. A couple new jobs. Starting my counseling practicum in the fall. It's a lot. 

My mind swirls... How is Caleb old enough to spend a summer away from us? How has our country gotten to the position we are in? How will all of my various roles and responsibilities fit together this year? How does God invite us to navigate suffering? And how exactly do we slow the onslaught of time? And then my mind returns to Ann Voskamp's words: 

“This, this is the only way to slow time: 
When I fully enter time’s swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here. I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment…. 
Weigh down this moment in time with full attention, and the whole of time’s river slows, slows, slows.” 

I slow time when I give this moment my full attention. I turn off auto-pilot. I put down my phone. I single-task, instead of multi-task. And 'Cease endlessly striving for what you would like to do and learn to love what must be done.' -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 

I long to live a quiet, ordinary one-piece-life. Where all the pieces are woven together. Where my spirituality and family, work and play are all intertwined. As we sit in ordinary time in the liturgical year, I am practicing gratitude for what has been given and all that lies ahead. It will be beautiful, even when it is hard, because God is a good Maker and a kind Father. 

Be Held- the practice of lament

Most days I am fine. I can feed the kids, cope with life, make it to the end of the day in one piece. And then there are some days I feel like I'm suffocating- like it's all too much- stuck. Unfortunately, our culture encourages us to suck it up, to numb the pain, to put on a happy face. None of that serves us; it keeps us broken instead of inviting healing. 

So what do we do with the pain? How do we survive in this world full of suffering? K.J. Ramsey has been teaching me that the psalms are the prayer book of the people of God, and that in the psalms we find words to give voice to our deep grief. The jewish people were well acquainted with grief and suffering, which then gave birth the practice of lament. Ramsey writes:

"The psalms offer a conversational means of uniting mind and heart, honesty and truth, despair and hope, humans and their Maker. We struggle to dwell in the tension between our pain and our need to praise, but the psalms hold us in a conversational traction."

I love that imagery: conversational traction. I can picture myself in a hospital bed with my leg suspended from some contraption intended to hold me in the right position to heal properly. Let that sink in. And then we can make the shift in our minds from "I feel stuck" to "I'm in traction". That's powerful. 

The psalms of lament give us words when we feel speechless. It's like when my girls are spiraling out of control and losing their minds and I invite them to climb into my lap and I hold them till they are calm enough to tell me what's going on. And sometimes I have to help them find words for the big feelings inside them- they are still learning. So am I. And the psalms help me find words.  

"O God, You have cast us off; You have broken us down. You have been displeased; Oh, restore us again! You have made the earth tremble, You have broken it; heal its breaches for it is shaking. You have shown Your people hard things; You have made us drink the wine of confusion." -Psalm 60:1-3

I don't know about you- but my heart echoes these feelings sometimes! And it's only as we come to God with honesty, revealing our hurting hearts in transparency (and finding Him kind and trustworthy) that we find healing. One more Ramsey quote: 

"The psalms show us how to acknowledge our pain with honesty. They teach us to approach God from the place of being undone instead of the prison of pretending we are self-sufficient and invulnerable. And in expressing our spitting frustration, derelict desperation and arresting anguish, we mysteriously experience being heard. Relating to God as needy, moody, exhausted children forms hope, praise and trust. Without vulnerability, the truth that God's love is steadfast remains abstract. Tears, groans, and sighs create the relational atmosphere where we can allow God to parent us. Weakness acknowledged and expressed forms trust." -K.J. Ramsey, This Too Shall Last

Just this week I found myself suffocating and stuck again. Thankfully, Josh whisked the kids off to the park so I could fall apart. So I wrapped myself in my Ugandan kikoy, climbed into the Father's lap and wept. I listened to Christy Nockels album: Be Held and it was just the thing I needed. In pouring out my heart to God, knowing my feelings were welcome, seen and cared for, I was able to take one more step towards wholeness. He is so gentle and kind. It's my prayer that you would find some time to do the same. We are all walking through a lot of loss and grief is a natural response. So let's turn to the psalms and find our way to the Father's heart where we can be held.

For more information on lament check out:

• podcast with Jonathan Trotter: Grief, Lament and the Psalms. 
• blog post by Mark Vroegop on the structure of lament- a how to

40 Days of Seeing...

teachers on their knees following the example of Christ, washing their students' feet. bringing the Word to a chapel full of people (spanning multiple generations) for Easter chapel. our second born being baptized. the jarring sound of nails hammered into wood. friends gathered around our table breaking bread and drinking the cup. it was a powerful, humbling day full of glimpses of Him everywhere I turned. it made me long to see Him more often in my daily life. I want it to be my way of life- my new normal. seeing Jesus everywhere I go, like Mother Theresa did: "I see Jesus in every human being, I say to myself, this is hungry Jesus, I must feed him. This is sick Jesus. This one has leprosy or gangrene; I must wash him and tend to him. I serve because I love Jesus.”

in the 40 days after His resurrection Jesus appeared to His disciples in random places and unexpected moments. they didn't always recognize Him at first. but with practice I think they started seeing Him everywhere. I can't imagine how they must have felt to hear Him explain the story of Scripture to them or to fish with them again or to enjoy a meal together once more. their hearts must have been so full of love, relief and hope. He was filling up their hearts with love, rebuilding their faith, and teaching them everything they needed to know for when He returned to the Father. and I believe He comes to us still in kindness and love, in power, holiness and knowledge giving us everything we need for life and godliness. sometimes He meets us in our prayer closets, and other times He refreshes our hearts through a friend.

so I want to look for Him in these 40 days between resurrection and ascension. I want to see Him in the face of my mischievous three year old and in the old man walking down the road. I want to serve Him as I make breakfast for my kids and meet with secondary girls before school. I want to love them like I love Him. "For I was hungry and you gave Me food, I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in...Assuredly I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me." -Matthew 25:35, 40

 I'd love for you to join me in taking this 40 day challenge: 40 days of seeing Jesus in every face. but I guarantee it won't be easy. I'm on Day 1... and my girls already spilled paint all over my lace table cloth and I did NOT react the way I hope I would react towards Jesus. I am much more aware already and that is half the battle.

as we cultivate our love relationship with Jesus in these days I pray that this small challenge would draw you closer to Him. that you would enjoy life together with Him. serve Him well. love Him extravagantly. AND allow Him to love you back. are you in? leave a comment, share this post, comment on FB and let us know!

A prayer from Mother Theresa and used by her Sisters of Charity in their work: " Dearest Lord, may I see you today and every day in the person of your sick, and, whilst nursing them, minister unto you. Though you hide yourself behind the unattractive disguise of the irritable, the exacting, the unreasonable, may I still recognize you, and say: “Jesus, my patient, how sweet it is to serve you.” Lord, give me this seeing faith, then my work will never be monotonous. I will ever find joy in humoring the fancies and gratifying the wishes of all poor sufferers. O beloved sick, how doubly dear you are to me, when you personify Christ; and what a privilege is mine to be allowed to tend you. Sweetest Lord, make me appreciative of the dignity of my high vocation, and its many responsibilities. Never permit me to disgrace it by giving way to coldness, unkindness, or impatience. And O God, while you are Jesus, my patient, deign also to be to me a patient Jesus, bearing with my faults, looking only to my intention, which is to love and serve you in the person of each of your sick. Lord, increase my faith, bless my efforts and work, now and forevermore. Amen."

Body + Soul + Mind

God is in the business of restoration. He is a healer. He desires connection and wholeness even more than we do and He doesn't care how long it takes or how painful the process. He cares more about our character than our comfort... a friend of mine likes to remind me.

It has been an intense season. And God is doing some deep healing in my soul. He is renewing my mind. He is arming me for battle. After reading The Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson and walking through the Steps of Freedom I was set free from some major lies I have been believing and was able to  break some agreements that I have made with the enemy.

So, during retreat in Kenya I felt the need for my body to catch up with my soul.

It is Lent... a preparation season... as I was crucifying more of my old nature, God invited me to experience these truths in a fresh way. By making a physical, public declaration I was identifying with Christ in His death on the cross and in the power of His resurrection! What precious timing.

The work of God is a spiral curriculum. He addresses something within us. We think we have mastered it. Then it comes back around deeper and more thoroughly. I've been saved since I was six years old. I surrendered my future to God when I was thirteen. I surrendered again when my mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was fifteen. I surrendered the daily living of my life to God (dead to self alive to God) my freshman year of college. And countless times since then I've laid it all down. But always deeper and more thoroughly. He is preparing me for some big things (please watch this 1 hour talk)- and all it stirs in me is humility- I've got so far yet to go!!

He is so kind. But also jealous. There is no room in my heart for God + _____...

He doesn't just want our songs on Sunday morning. Or our prayers when we wake each morning. He doesn't just want our weekly tithe. He wants all of us- our whole lives. And the good news is- when we give Him all of us, we get ALL OF HIM. Seriously the best news ever. He wants authority over my eating, my resting, my preaching, my parenting, my screen time, my spending... and guys, I want that too... He is so good. I can trust Him with it all. There is so much freedom there! Just a one piece life. (I struggled to find the Ann Voskamp post about living a one piece life- here is an excerpt from another blog- sorry I can't link it for you)

"When you let all the fabric of your life weave fluid together — the kids, the serving, the going, the giving — your life becomes this seamless tapestry. Live into the kind of ministry that lets you bring your life with you. Live into the kind of vocation that lets you live a full life. The work of family can flow fluid into the work of serving, which can flow fluid back into the fabric of the family, and family and ministry and your life’s work can be a One-Piece Life and what corporate model threatens to make our lives so profoundly disconnected? What corporate model has infiltrated our collective thinking such that family and work and living and modelling for the next generation what life is all about —  has left us with painfully disjointed and fragmented and compartmentalized lives? When you live a One-Piece Life — you don’t see your life as falling to pieces as much as it is falling together.... 

I have profaned the sacred, treated the holy in an unholy way. There are times, I still do. But I am prayerfully purposing to walk towards all of life as sacred ground, all of life as hallowed--because God is here, everywhere.

For me, it is about holistic living. We know that our health is not limited to just what we eat, or just if we exercise, or just where we live, or only what medications or vitamins we take, but it is about being a whole person--all of those elements factor into our being healthy. To live a spiritually holistic life, one can't simply have "Bible time" and expect to nourish an intimate relationship with Jesus. It is about keeping company with Jesus for the other 23 hours of the day, speaking with Him, singing toHim, praying to Him, calling out to Him, resting in Him--living in Him. There is no divide between holy and sacred. God wove life to be seamless, a tunic like Jesus’: one piece. For all is in Him. “In God…we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28). “Where can I go from Thy Spirit? Or where can I flee from Thy presence” (Ps. 139:7).


Some may think of this as "Practicing the Presence of God"--but to do that we have to practice being *aware* of the presence of God. He *is* already here--we just need to wake up. We do not have to practice *making* Him present--He walks this moment with us.


His word is not confined only to a quiet time for “they are not just idle words for you—they are your LIFE”( Deuteronomy 32:47).


Life is our liturgy. *All* of Life is our time with God.

Throughout your day, you will worship God, together. And you'll learn to die to self together. There will be no fragmented scraps of learning, home-life, friends, work, God.

You will make a one-piece life--hallowed threads of parenting, love, education, living, creativity, wonder, sacrifice, and God all woven together. You'll wear it, and it will fit: Grace, Love, Gratitude." -Ann Voskamp