Fitness Teacher. Gospel Preacher.

 

We were created whole and good. God is a masterful designer and His wonders can be found in every cell of our bodies, every thought in our minds and all the love in our hearts. And we live in a fallen world where our hearts get broken and our bodies will not last forever. These bodies were chosen by the God of the universe for His temple here on earth. It's mind-boggling. It's humbling. And it is motivating!

As you know, I've been on a healing journey for the past two years. And even before that He was stirring my heart to take good care of this body using essential oils and non-toxic products. It's only been in the past 4 years that I've taken exercise seriously at all- and just since October that I made the connection between exercise and my mental and spiritual well-being. 

When I discovered that Revelation Wellness had a fitness instructor training that was actually discipleship and leadership training I was all in! I started my 9 week fitness teacher/gospel preacher training two weeks ago and it has been so incredible to dive into the book of Nehemiah and the Wellness Revelation book with 200+ other people online.  

As we pray and prepare for the ministry God is planning for us next, I know He can use my passion for women living whole and holy wherever He leads us. He is a good Shepherd and we cannot wait to see what He has in store for us. And stay tuned here and on Facebook if you are curious about how I can help you love God, get healthy, be whole and love others!

 

Be Held- the practice of lament

Most days I am fine. I can feed the kids, cope with life, make it to the end of the day in one piece. And then there are some days I feel like I'm suffocating- like it's all too much- stuck. Unfortunately, our culture encourages us to suck it up, to numb the pain, to put on a happy face. None of that serves us; it keeps us broken instead of inviting healing. 

So what do we do with the pain? How do we survive in this world full of suffering? K.J. Ramsey has been teaching me that the psalms are the prayer book of the people of God, and that in the psalms we find words to give voice to our deep grief. The jewish people were well acquainted with grief and suffering, which then gave birth the practice of lament. Ramsey writes:

"The psalms offer a conversational means of uniting mind and heart, honesty and truth, despair and hope, humans and their Maker. We struggle to dwell in the tension between our pain and our need to praise, but the psalms hold us in a conversational traction."

I love that imagery: conversational traction. I can picture myself in a hospital bed with my leg suspended from some contraption intended to hold me in the right position to heal properly. Let that sink in. And then we can make the shift in our minds from "I feel stuck" to "I'm in traction". That's powerful. 

The psalms of lament give us words when we feel speechless. It's like when my girls are spiraling out of control and losing their minds and I invite them to climb into my lap and I hold them till they are calm enough to tell me what's going on. And sometimes I have to help them find words for the big feelings inside them- they are still learning. So am I. And the psalms help me find words.  

"O God, You have cast us off; You have broken us down. You have been displeased; Oh, restore us again! You have made the earth tremble, You have broken it; heal its breaches for it is shaking. You have shown Your people hard things; You have made us drink the wine of confusion." -Psalm 60:1-3

I don't know about you- but my heart echoes these feelings sometimes! And it's only as we come to God with honesty, revealing our hurting hearts in transparency (and finding Him kind and trustworthy) that we find healing. One more Ramsey quote: 

"The psalms show us how to acknowledge our pain with honesty. They teach us to approach God from the place of being undone instead of the prison of pretending we are self-sufficient and invulnerable. And in expressing our spitting frustration, derelict desperation and arresting anguish, we mysteriously experience being heard. Relating to God as needy, moody, exhausted children forms hope, praise and trust. Without vulnerability, the truth that God's love is steadfast remains abstract. Tears, groans, and sighs create the relational atmosphere where we can allow God to parent us. Weakness acknowledged and expressed forms trust." -K.J. Ramsey, This Too Shall Last

Just this week I found myself suffocating and stuck again. Thankfully, Josh whisked the kids off to the park so I could fall apart. So I wrapped myself in my Ugandan kikoy, climbed into the Father's lap and wept. I listened to Christy Nockels album: Be Held and it was just the thing I needed. In pouring out my heart to God, knowing my feelings were welcome, seen and cared for, I was able to take one more step towards wholeness. He is so gentle and kind. It's my prayer that you would find some time to do the same. We are all walking through a lot of loss and grief is a natural response. So let's turn to the psalms and find our way to the Father's heart where we can be held.

For more information on lament check out:

• podcast with Jonathan Trotter: Grief, Lament and the Psalms. 
• blog post by Mark Vroegop on the structure of lament- a how to

End of an Era

The world is in a state of chaos and uncertainty- challenging everything we have clung to for stability. COVID-19 has brought many communities around the world to their knees. We feel the weight here in Uganda as well. In addition to the weight of a global pandemic, just before Easter this year we were informed by WGM Uganda leadership that this would be our final term with WGM Uganda.

This chapter of our lives in Uganda has been one of the sweetest and one of the hardest. We have seen God draw our children closer to Himself. Our marriage has withstood the challenges of cross-cultural ministry and only gotten stronger. Students at Heritage are walking closer to Jesus, asking great questions, and giving testimony to His work in their lives. Our home fellowship is flourishing even during this quarantine (mostly on WhatsApp right now). Watching our home fellowship leadership team step into more responsibility and take ownership has been beautiful. We strongly believe God isn’t done with this home fellowship and can’t wait to see how He uses these men and women. 

There are many questions.  There are even more unknowns.  But through all of this, we know that God is still good, and God is certainly not done with us yet.  Once we return to the states, we will begin exploring with WGM leadership and seeking the Lord as to what our next assignment might be.  Right now, we are focusing on leaving Uganda well, saying necessary goodbyes, and leaning on His strength to do so during a global pandemic. We currently have flights scheduled for June 2nd; however, our airline has canceled all flights through May 31st.  We have no way of knowing if we will be able to leave on June 2nd or whether that will be pushed to a future date. Would you pray over that? Once we are able to return to New Jersey, we will begin the healing process needed after this sudden change and begin looking at what could be next.  We appreciate your prayers over us, continued financial support, and patience as we wait on God to reveal our next steps. 

We as a family are finding a lot of comfort in the story of Abraham these days.  During our family home church, we have begun walking through Abraham’s journey.  In Genesis 12 we read of God’s call to Abram to “Go…to the land I will show you.”  Abram obeyed God and left behind everything he knew, everything that gave him an identity, and trusted God to lead him.  Our family feels a lot like Abram.  While we may be returning to our “father’s land” in New Jersey as our next step, we don’t know how long that will be or what ministry will look like a year from now. But God knows and we can trust Him.  Thank you for standing with us for 9 years of fruitful ministry here in Uganda.  This is not the ending we would have written, but we are grateful for the privilege of being part of God’s work here in Uganda. We trust God to continue what He started, both here in Uganda and within our family.

Slow thaw

Little ones love you no matter what. They haven't been as wounded by life as teenagers have. They haven't said as many goodbyes as teens have. And all they really need is for you to see them and play a few games with them. They will love you forever.

As we minister to third culture kids (TCKs) they have lived through some pretty tough stuff, have most likely lost a best friend, and maybe had to say goodbye to a favorite mentor or teacher... trust doesn't exactly come easy. They want to be seen and known as badly as the pre-schoolers... but they also fear it because they have let people in before and then that person may have left the continent. And they are not impressed by the Christian mask. They know the real deal when they see it. Authenticity is huge.

I say all that to say, after three years the students are starting to thaw towards us. And I must believe that time isn't the only factor. Jesus did a radical work in me this spring. I am more real and more myself than I have ever been. I've been transformed. And they can tell. Praise the living God! He is alive and well in me and He is drawing them to Himself.

A couple things that have made my heart smile recently (in no particular order):

• A girl popped into my office to borrow a pencil for exams. She knew she was welcome and not a bother.
• A new student said hi to me for the first time after I proctored his math exam.
• A student going through a very tough season asked if we could meet to talk after lunch- and through her tears she confessed, she didn't have much to say... she just needed a hug.
• That same student asked "So, when can I share in chapel again?"
• We had a line of students waiting to help us inflate our 9' beach ball. 
• A girl was sitting at the back of the chapel one day, and seemed so happy to see me. She said she had a question about a sermon I gave more than a month ago. She had listened, was still processing and is hungry for more of Jesus. 
• Another girl came in to my office and asked me to pray for her exams. 

As I type this list I am reminded that my prayers are making a difference, that being open and real is the only way to build community, and that transformed people really do transform their communities... they can't help it... they are just clear channels for God to flow through! Whether you are loaning a pencil, praying with another person, inflating a beach ball, or just giving a hug. He can use you! Hallelujah! 

Body + Soul + Mind

God is in the business of restoration. He is a healer. He desires connection and wholeness even more than we do and He doesn't care how long it takes or how painful the process. He cares more about our character than our comfort... a friend of mine likes to remind me.

It has been an intense season. And God is doing some deep healing in my soul. He is renewing my mind. He is arming me for battle. After reading The Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson and walking through the Steps of Freedom I was set free from some major lies I have been believing and was able to  break some agreements that I have made with the enemy.

So, during retreat in Kenya I felt the need for my body to catch up with my soul.

It is Lent... a preparation season... as I was crucifying more of my old nature, God invited me to experience these truths in a fresh way. By making a physical, public declaration I was identifying with Christ in His death on the cross and in the power of His resurrection! What precious timing.

The work of God is a spiral curriculum. He addresses something within us. We think we have mastered it. Then it comes back around deeper and more thoroughly. I've been saved since I was six years old. I surrendered my future to God when I was thirteen. I surrendered again when my mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was fifteen. I surrendered the daily living of my life to God (dead to self alive to God) my freshman year of college. And countless times since then I've laid it all down. But always deeper and more thoroughly. He is preparing me for some big things (please watch this 1 hour talk)- and all it stirs in me is humility- I've got so far yet to go!!

He is so kind. But also jealous. There is no room in my heart for God + _____...

He doesn't just want our songs on Sunday morning. Or our prayers when we wake each morning. He doesn't just want our weekly tithe. He wants all of us- our whole lives. And the good news is- when we give Him all of us, we get ALL OF HIM. Seriously the best news ever. He wants authority over my eating, my resting, my preaching, my parenting, my screen time, my spending... and guys, I want that too... He is so good. I can trust Him with it all. There is so much freedom there! Just a one piece life. (I struggled to find the Ann Voskamp post about living a one piece life- here is an excerpt from another blog- sorry I can't link it for you)

"When you let all the fabric of your life weave fluid together — the kids, the serving, the going, the giving — your life becomes this seamless tapestry. Live into the kind of ministry that lets you bring your life with you. Live into the kind of vocation that lets you live a full life. The work of family can flow fluid into the work of serving, which can flow fluid back into the fabric of the family, and family and ministry and your life’s work can be a One-Piece Life and what corporate model threatens to make our lives so profoundly disconnected? What corporate model has infiltrated our collective thinking such that family and work and living and modelling for the next generation what life is all about —  has left us with painfully disjointed and fragmented and compartmentalized lives? When you live a One-Piece Life — you don’t see your life as falling to pieces as much as it is falling together.... 

I have profaned the sacred, treated the holy in an unholy way. There are times, I still do. But I am prayerfully purposing to walk towards all of life as sacred ground, all of life as hallowed--because God is here, everywhere.

For me, it is about holistic living. We know that our health is not limited to just what we eat, or just if we exercise, or just where we live, or only what medications or vitamins we take, but it is about being a whole person--all of those elements factor into our being healthy. To live a spiritually holistic life, one can't simply have "Bible time" and expect to nourish an intimate relationship with Jesus. It is about keeping company with Jesus for the other 23 hours of the day, speaking with Him, singing toHim, praying to Him, calling out to Him, resting in Him--living in Him. There is no divide between holy and sacred. God wove life to be seamless, a tunic like Jesus’: one piece. For all is in Him. “In God…we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28). “Where can I go from Thy Spirit? Or where can I flee from Thy presence” (Ps. 139:7).


Some may think of this as "Practicing the Presence of God"--but to do that we have to practice being *aware* of the presence of God. He *is* already here--we just need to wake up. We do not have to practice *making* Him present--He walks this moment with us.


His word is not confined only to a quiet time for “they are not just idle words for you—they are your LIFE”( Deuteronomy 32:47).


Life is our liturgy. *All* of Life is our time with God.

Throughout your day, you will worship God, together. And you'll learn to die to self together. There will be no fragmented scraps of learning, home-life, friends, work, God.

You will make a one-piece life--hallowed threads of parenting, love, education, living, creativity, wonder, sacrifice, and God all woven together. You'll wear it, and it will fit: Grace, Love, Gratitude." -Ann Voskamp

Kept By the Spirit

In July we were not quite sure what kind of team we would be walking back into this term. After some serious team upheaval, and our own personal burnout, we were cautiously hopeful that the team had recovered as much as we had during our time in the states. But regardless of the state of our team, Jesus had some good words for us as we thought about rejoining them.

• This is His team. We get to partner with them and Him for His purposes. He cares for them more than we ever will. 
• This team isn't any different than any other team- we have had struggles and will continue to face challenges because we are human. We will never find the perfect team. There is power in staying.
• There is power for staying! This team has access to the same power that raised Jesus from the dead- nothing is impossible for Him.
• Team is His idea. The Trinity communes together and works together and loves together in perfect harmony. We have God as our model and as our strength to do team life in way that brings Him glory. 

During this first month back on the field we are grateful for the ways Jesus has met our team in these hard days.

Team life is seldom easy- but He promises to keep us.

It could have been a very different re-entry for us, but the Spirit has heard our prayers and kept our team. He has kept us meeting together for prayer. He has kept us well enough to continue ministering where He has placed us. He has kept us together in spirit- even when we are separated by continents.

For our team book study we are diving into Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. Maybe your team wants to too?

I'm linking up at the Grove today at Velvet Ashes.

a puddle of glory in a busy day

the girls are napping. the birds are singing in the trees. I have a steaming cup of chai in my hand. and the soundtrack to my days is playing quietly in the background. my soul can breathe in moments like these. it's like a puddle of glory in the middle of my day.

I don't always savor these moments, or find them, or create them. often I miss them because my eyes are full of my phone, or because the to do list is too long and who can afford to stop? and it takes work- stop, steep the chai, turn on the music, put down the phone. but when I don't pause and savor I am essentially throwing the gift of this moment into the face of God. He graciously gives us all things. and I am too busy to receive.

there are moments when I am getting things done, enjoying this season of part-time ministry outside the house, and then there are others when I am losing my mind at the two-ness of my two year old and fuming as I make four lunches before school. part of me thinks I can just run with it. and then there are moments like this when I realize I might not be fully recovered yet and need to slow down and let Him keep healing my heart. and it's good and necessary to listen to what our souls need.

thanks for joining me on this journey. it feels really good to write again.

are you able to find moments in your day to pause? what does that look like for you in whatever season you find yourself in? 

**also, have you heard of Zachary Bruno? Dawn light is the soundtrack to my days and it's amazing how quickly music can change the tone of your day.

Coming home...

not literally. don't everyone get excited.

as I press in to the idea of writing here again, I'm having to sift the wheat from the chaff. I have to try everything on and see what still fits. and something that Jesus has been whispering to me today is gratitude. keep counting those gifts. and it's Monday {my original gratitude post day}. there is something profound that happens when we say thank you for the gifts He gives on a daily basis. and I've been neglecting that practice. so I'm coming home- home to gratitude on Mondays.

the past two years have been a stripping away, a desert season, survival mode. i've been reduced to rubble. and yet what remains is gold. He is remaking me. and I guess that's part of why I want to share this journey. I am still unfinished. but my head is far enough above water now that it isn't dangerous for me to reach out to others who might feel like they're drowning.

so while I haven't faithfully kept counting the gifts, I have sporadically been counting- so we'll just pick up where I left off:

7861. 5am. You meeting me.
7862. grace enough to welcome an early riser at 5:03am
7863. Sofia the First on iTunes.
7864. my little corner on the kitchen floor. sacred space.
7865. in You there is no sin. If I abide in You, I can say no to sin.
7866. my husband rising to meet You early
7867. bagels and coffee
7868. our 4 incredible kids
7869. Your word. truth for this day.
7870. a clean and quiet desk
7871. being able to find this gratitude journal. after months of disuse and a transatlantic move.
7872. my crossfit ladies pushing me towards health
7873. and also bringing m&ms :)
7874. cloudy morning- cool enough to work out
7875. the ability to move my body
7876. rain holding off till we were done
7877. a morning with Rebekah
7878. Hi Ho Cherry-o, Candy Land, Zingo... classics
7879. her laugh. it's so contagious
7880. snuggles before nap
7881.everyone napping so I can write

What are you grateful for today?

linking up: