So everyone is pretty miserable here at the Hallahan's! We have had fevers and racking coughs- Josh was officially diagnosed with asthmatic bronchitis- which we found out after he passed out in our kitchen on Friday morning. He was taken to the ER- but his xray and CAT scan were clean, so he was home by 1pm. It was just one of those freak things that made me wrestle with my God- but cling to Him all the more!
As I continue learning how to pray I am struck by how difficult prayer is for me. Wrestling is hard. Circumstances like my husband fainting in the kitchen aren't on my agenda! I like things to be neat, organized, and measurable. Relationships are messy and fluid- which is why I'm not very good at them- making this school of prayer very difficult! I love to read the Bible- I can have a reading plan, I can digest a verse and journal about it, I can check off which chapters I've read and I feel accomplished. In prayer I sit and wait... I speak and listen... I offer up my heart to God... but I can't measure transformation... I can't plan where the Spirit will lead... I can't schedule how long it will take for Him to get me there! And at that place of utter dependence and waiting- I find this tiny glimmer of freedom! I don't have to make prayer work. I don't have to know where it will end up. Just like I can't plan when I will be fully recovered from this illness. I am at the mercy of the germs... but in that abandon, there is freedom to wait and freedom to heal!
Viruses have a way of taking everything out of you- and while it's easy to say "Just get some rest" it's a different story when there are three other sick ones to tend to! I am sure I will be sick the longest, simply because I can't rest like I need to. But in the misery of being cooped up together, there is also joy in leaning on one another, which strengthens the bond of family! I am grateful that Josh has recovered and is now helping me return to health! And as I recover I will try and just be!