Saturday, January 20, 2007

Going back to work...

Caleb is now 7 weeks old, and a whopping 13 lbs! He has doubled his weight since birth! We are obviously thriving in our breastfeeding relationship! He is so curious and alert these days- his eyes constantly roving around the room for a new object or shadow to take in! He is holding his head up so strongly and is discovering he can get his fingers into his mouth. It was so funny the other day to see his eyes light up when we touched his ears and he realized he had them! There are so many things that I will probably miss when I go back to work- but gratefully, Josh will be there to see it all! We are so blessed that our situation allows one of us to be with Caleb at all times! It is my desire to be a stay at home mom some day... but financially that isn't possible right now. That caused quite a bit of sadness and resentment earlier this week as I geared up to go back to work on Jan 23... but then we had our Prayer and Praise night at church this past Wed.

Often I help Josh plan the service and line up songs, but this week he was just inspired and laid out the entire set on his own. By the time the service was over I knew why God had led him, and why I had no input! Each song of the second set was chosen just for me- spoke directly to my heart. It was such a sweet time of communion and challenge with my Lord. In the middle of the service we split up into small prayer groups- and then we were directed to spend time in silence listening for what God wanted to say to us individually. In prayer, God reminded me of a lesson He taught me during my year in Uganda... "Jesu amala" Jesus is enough! He reassured me that since He has called me back to work- He will be sufficient. And every time I grew bitter that I had to go back to work- I was basically telling Him that I hated His will and that my plan was better! How prideful of me! So when Josh started the song "I surrender" I was immediately put in my place by the lyrics:

"I'm giving You my heart and all that is within
I lay it all down, for the sake of You my King
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

And I surrender
All to You, all to You

And I surrender
All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You, for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

And I surrender
All to You, all to You

And I surrender
All to You, all to You"

I am just so convinced that I am going back to work in order for Him to display His glory in my inadequacy, His strength in my weakness. If I can ever possibly be the mom, and wife, and director at TLC that He wants me to be... it will be all His doing. I can't do it on my own... He must be sufficient. There is no alternative. And so I look expectantly toward going back to work- I can't wait to see how He shows up- I am excited to see Him fight valiantly on my behalf- I long for Him to provide all that is needed. I've got nothing. But I am His.

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