Life is hard when you are living a life that isn't your dream. Josh and I are stuck living each other's dream. He is working from home and staying with Caleb, while I am at work 40 hours a week. In my heart of hearts, I long to be a stay at home mom. And I believe that God would not plant that desire within me, just to leave me discontent. But I also know that there are sacrifices that must be made in order for Josh to be in full-time ministry. Are my dreams and his dreams what ought to be sacrificed? I don't know if there is an answer to our dilemma. I know if I could choose... Trinity would have enough money to pay Josh enough for us to live on. I would even be able to work as the part time Discipleship pastor. And I could stay home with Caleb. I could plan delicious and frugal menus, I could spend time doing some comparative grocery shopping to ensure we were getting good deals, I could play with Caleb, continue teaching him sign language, take him to the park, read him stories and sing him songs...I know there would be many frustrations being a Stay at Home mom... but they would pale in comparison to being there for my sons rapidly formative years!!! I have lost my passion for my work- some cute little boy stole my heart! And so, as I stare at my circumstances I grow increasingly resentful... but then I remember I am supposed to be gazing at Jesus and glancing at the world... and so my gaze is lifted... and we lock eyes- and I remember His agony on my behalf. What is my suffering compared to His? Is this not my act of worship, to live joyously in whatever circumstances He has placed me? I know that I can trust Him, I just need to do it.
Hi Kelly,
ReplyDeleteI have asked myself the same question this summer about unfulfilled dreams...but then I have to believe that one day I'll look back and see God's perfect plan fulfilled. It's still tough. I love you!